Close Enough to Grieve

Morning emotions often feel different from 11 PM emotions

At night, the pain can sound like,

“Why did he do this to me?”

At dawn, it becomes:

“What am I supposed to do with all these feelings?”

Last night, when she saw him, she didn’t run after him. She didn’t text him. She didn’t create a reason to contact him. She came home and sat with her feelings.

That may sound like a small thing

But compared to where she was months ago, that is growth.

Maybe the reason seeing him hurt so much wasn’t because she was back at the beginning

Maybe it hurt because she is finally close enough to the truth to grieve it.

For months there was still wondering, hoping, interpreting, and waiting…

Now, after seeing him again in real life, part of her is facing something painful:

She still loves him a little

But he is still not the life partner she hoped he would be

That realization hurts

But it is also very clear.

Maybe what her heart needs this morning is not a text from him. Not an explanation. Not a sign.

Maybe what her heart needs is compassion from HERself..

So instead of saying,

“Poor me”

she tells herself,

“Of course I’m hurting. I loved him. Of course seeing him stirred things up.”

She is learning to speak to herself with more kindness.

The memory that keeps returning is her head resting on his chest.

Perhaps that memory does not mean she misses this specific man as much as she misses feeling safe, held, and loved.

Those things are not gone from her future.

They are simply no longer attached to the future she once imagined with him.

So this morning, may she not ask

“Why wasn’t I enough?”

But instead

“What do I need today?”

Maybe it is a walk

Maybe it is prayer

Maybe it is teaching her students

Maybe it is writing in her blog

Or maybe it is simply getting through the day…

Small things count.

Good morning, Her..

Your heart is sore today

But you’re going to be okay.

Her.

June 11, 5:16 AM